The Sentence is Death Issue #1
The Premise: One sentence reviews for movies that failed to keep my attention. If you can’t show me something interesting within the first one-quarter of your runtime, sentencing will be carried out immediately. Films in this series aren’t necessarily the worst movies of all time, just ones that didn’t work for me – and life is too short to waste on a lack of interest.
Suncoast (2024): This mundane story about a quirky mom at her wit’s end over her daughter’s desire to “just be normal” is tired and boring – and that’s before the pseudo-Christian morality comes into play. Directed by Laura Chinn. Starring Nico Parker, Laura Linney, Woody Harrelson, and Daniella Taylor.
Ricky Stanicky (2024): Zac Efron follows up his fantastic performance in The Iron Claw with a completely idiotic movie about a trio of husbands whose lives revolve around lying to their wives about everything they do, just so they can indulge in their “dude-bro” activities. Directed by Peter Farrelly. Starring Zac Efron, Jermaine Fowler, Andrew Santino, and John Cena.
Argylle (2024): Another tired spy story full of Macguffins, stereotyped exotic locations, annoying rich villains, and brainless plot twists that think themselves clever. Directed by Matthew Vaughn. Starring Bryce Dallas Howard, Sam Rockwell, Henry Cavill, and Bryan Cranston.
Upgraded (2024): When an ambitious young New Yorker meets cute with a wealthy European nepo-baby, vomit-inducing love (not to mention complete pointlessness) is in the air. Directed by Carlson Young. Starring Camila Mendes, Archie Renaux, Marisa Tomei, and Lena Olin.
The Wages of Fear (2024): An absolute slap in the face to Henri-Georges Clouzot’s original 1953 thriller, William Friedkin’s 1977 remake Sorcerer, and anyone with even an ounce of respect for the art of filmmaking in general. Directed by Julien Leclercq. Starring Ana Girardot, Frank Gastambide, and Alban Lenoir.
Guardians (2017): Director Sarik Andreasyan’s attempt at creating a Russian version of The Avengers is so laughably bad you won’t know whether to slap your knee in awe or hit yourself in the head with a hammer. Directed by Sarik Andreasyan. Starring Sebastien Sisak, Anton Pampushnyy, Sanjar Madi, and Alina Lanina.
Prom Dates (2024): Attention Hollywood: you can stop attempting to “out-raunch” yourselves any day now because we’ve already seen this movie one hundred times and it was unfunny and uninspired then too. Directed by Kim O. Nguyen. Starring Julia Lester, Antonia Gentry, Kenny Ridwan, and JT Neal.
The Idea of You (2024): A super cool 40-something mom goes to Coachella (barf) and meets a cute British pop star with whom she falls in and out of love with to perfectly timed but utterly predictable story beats. Directed by Michael Showalter. Starring Anne Hathaway, Nicholas Galitzine, Ella Rubin, and Annie Mumolo.
The Instigators (2024): Matt Damon attempts to resurrect Casey Affleck’s dead career in this moronic odd couple heist-gone-wrong film that fails to even resemble entertainment. Directed by Doug Liman. Starring Matt Damon, Casey Affleck, Hong Chau, and Paul Walter Hauser.
