The first thing I noticed wrong with Tiptoes was the horrible fake tattoos on Kate Beckinsale (aside from the generally poor job done by the make-up department in painting them on, the one on her arm is backward). It gets much worse from there – and does so very quickly. Pardon the language, but in my notes, I wrote: “What the fuck is this?” I’m still trying to figure that out. On one end it’s a romantic comedy, on the other it’s dwarf rights activism, and in the middle, it’s a complete mess. Tiptoes seems to be an attempt at understanding what it means to be a dwarf. But if that’s the case, then why is it repeatedly exploitive, crass, and mean? Aside from employing several dwarf actors (many you’ll recognize from better projects), I can’t see this film in any realm of positivity for that community. It’s director, Matthew Bright, never made another film after this one. A fitting punishment, perhaps.
The plot might be less absurd if it were handled with an inkling of finesse. Instead, its insensitivity borders on heartless. And by heartless, I don’t mean that it lacks heart (which it does), but that it’s an uncaring shamble that seems to have actual contempt for characters and audience alike.
Kate Beckinsale plays Carol, a free-spirited artist who lives in a giant studio apartment that no real human can afford. Her hunky firefighter boyfriend Steven (Matthew McConaughey at his most lazy) has a secret that he’s waiting for the right moment to reveal (i.e. When it’s too late). Turns out his family is all dwarfs, and he has a twin brother who’s also a dwarf (inexplicably played by Gary Oldman). After revealing she’s pregnant, Steven freaks out in a very male way and takes off. The next day, Rolfe (the twin brother) shows up on her doorstep and the secret is out. I’d go on, but I don’t see much point.
Along for the ride are Peter Dinklage (affecting a regrettable French accent) and Patricia Arquette as a stereotypical hippie/rocker/drunk/I’m not exactly sure. Attitudes and characterization changes out of nowhere, near pointless and underdeveloped subplots are revealed, and on and on we go. To make things worse, the whole thing is resolved is such a predictable way that when the end finally arrives, you may groan and wish you’d saved yourself the time.
But, there are exactly two things I didn’t hate about this movie.
One – The cast isn’t terrible, with Gary Oldman as Rolfe being as pleasing as possible considering the circumstances. He should never have been cast in the first place (why they didn’t offer the role to a real dwarf is beyond me), but what he does with the material is perfectly fine. If it weren’t for the horrendous “Dorf” look his bottom half takes on for most of the film, his performance could be considered charming. The rest of the cast is quite good for such a bad movie. I’d like to see every one of them get together and make something of substance. For the most part, I enjoy the films of these actors, but I question what in the hell compelled any of them to sign on to this one. The strangest thing is that no one puts on a particularly bad show, but what they have to work with is so ridiculous that muddling through it is the only option. They somehow muster the fortitude to deliver lines with a competent level of conviction and sincerity (most of the time). They should be commended for that, I suppose.
Two – There’s a scene where Carol’s family meets Steven and Rolfe’s for the first time. The set-up is that prejudices will fly, and a confrontation will be had. That doesn’t happen and thank you for that. What does happen is the only moment of intentional comedy that works in the entire film.
Other than that, it’s bad news. The editing is horrible, the pacing is way off, and the direction is less than perfunctory. There isn’t an inspired shot in the entire film, and even if there were, the shoddy editing would have screwed it up anyway. I still haven’t answered my own question, so I’ll state it again. What the fuck is this?
James is a writer, skateboarder, record collector, wrestling nerd, and tabletop gamer living with his family in Asheville, North Carolina. He is a member of the Southeastern Film Critics Association, the North Carolina Film Critics Association, and contributes to The Daily Orca, Razorcake Magazine, Mountain Xpress, and Asheville Movies.